Seeing Red
by IAmKayDubs
Summary: *Note* There are themes of self harm in this story. If you wish to avoid such topics, I wouldn't recommend this. * People can be quite harsh. Nitori had always known this, but he never worried, words were just words to him, what they said didn't matter. One day, however, everything came rushing in. Every insult, every taunt, every cruel word. It's just too much, sometimes.
1. Chapter 1

Nitori was so done... So done with all of the crap being thrown at him. People were just so harsh! They were so hurtful...

He slammed the door shut when he stepped into the dorm room, and luckily Rin wasn't there, it would have been way to hard to explain everything, and he really didn't want to burden his Senpai...

He slid down to the floor, his back pressing against the left side of his desk, hiding him from view, just as he wanted to be.

He wasn't crying, as you might think. He didn't even really want to cry... He just felt numb, feeling a hurt that wouldn't be fixed with tears.

He simply sat there, staring out the window, his knees pulled to his chest, his arms folded on top of them.

Without thinking, Nitori rolled his head back quickly, forgetting the desk in his way. In responded, the desk trembled, causing some items to tumble down. A magazine, a few pencils, and... Some scissors...

Nitori sucked in a breath. No... He wouldn't... He couldn't do it.

'I'm not this weak...' Nitori thought, tearing his eyes away from the double bladed object.

His head was as far to the side as he could make it go, his eyes avoiding the scissors like the plague.

**_'Stupid kid, such a whiny baby!'_**

'You can't even swim! Why are you here?'

'Just accept it, nobody likes you. Especially your "senpai"'

'"Rin-senpai, senpaiiii!" Pathetic.'

Every insult from that day, and every other day, came flooding in. Words were tossed around about his size, his swimming ability, his devotion to Rin... And anything else people could think up.

Nitori's eyes tore away from the wall and landed on the scissors once again. He had never felt the slightest urge to something so detrimental to himself before... So why now?

In just a few short seconds, Nitori's shaking hand had swiped up the scissors and held them open over his left wrist.

His fingers tightened their hold, as he tried to get them to stop trembling.

The blade made contact, and Nitori whimpered, hating himself more and more as he slid the scissors across his skin.

Despite his increasing self loathing, he kept making cuts. The numbers in his brain made him sick to his stomach as they grew.

One, two, three, four...

Ten, eleven, twelve...

Nitori began to feel woozy. There were twelve cuts on his arm now, and that was too much for his body. He dropped the scissors and they landed on his lap. His fingers uncurled themselves as he began to lose consciousness.

He heard the door click open and them shut heavily, causing him to wake up just the slightest bit, delaying the inevitable unconsciousness.

"Hey, Ai, I'm back-" Rin must have noticed his absence in the bed. "Yo, Ai, you in here?"

Rin began walking towards the other side of the room, and his shocked gasp showed that he saw Nitori.

"Ai?! Aiichirou?" Nitori felt Rin crouching next to him, and he noticed Rin's hand gripping his right wrist gently. He felt a pulse, albeit a faint one.

Rin hooked both of his arms under Nitoris armpits, trying to safely pull him from the tiny space between the two desks. When he did, Nitori's arms fell limply at his sides, revealing twelve bloody lines, and uncovering the blood stained spot on Nitori's shirt that had come from the cuts.

Rin nearly passed out himself upon seeing the bloody mess. He dropped his arms from under Nitori's armpits, causing Nitori's head to fall on his lap. The sudden change caused Nitori to wake up a bit. He tried to sit up, but upon pressing his left hand down on to the floor to pull himself up, he fell back, gripping his torn up wrist against his chest.

Rin had recovered from his state of temporary shock, so he pulled Nitori up, his hands holding tight around Nitori's waist, trying to get him to stand. Eventually he managed, but he hand to hold onto Nitori the whole time, because Nitori was half in and half out of consciousness.

Rin's eyes drifted to the floor where he had heard a small clattering noise. His gaze landed on a pair of open scissors... And they had dry blood on them. Rin's eyes widened, and his legs trembled slightly.

Rin let out a shaky sigh as he realized what had happened, and he dragged Nitori to his bed, laying him down flat across the bottom bunk. Rin draped Nitori's arm diagonally across his chest, placing it so that his the back of his left hand was resting near his right shoulder.

Rin went to the bathroom quickly and grabbed a few towels, wetting two of them under the sink.

He took one wet towel and rubbed it lightly across the least damaged parts of Nitori's skin, cleaning up as much of the caked blood as he could. He tossed that towel on the floor and took the other wet hand towel and slowly wrapped it around the cut up part of Nitori's arm. It would serve as makeshift band-aid until Rin could get gauze and other needed medical supplies. They had just run out recently and hadn't yet gone to the store to get more.

Once Nitori had been wrapped up, Rin picked up the phone, he was going to call Mikoshiba to see if he had any medical supplies.

After a few numbers had been punched in, however, Nitori pulled his head up.

"Wait! Who are you calling?"

"Mikoshiba, I need medical supplies for you." Rin held off on prying for details on why Nitori had done what he'd done, at least for the time being. Rin would definitely be asking later.

"No, don't call him!" Nitori was trying to shout, but his voice was weak.

"What? Ai, you're being an idiot-" Rin paused. "Sorry... But honestly, you need medical help. Unless you want me to call 911, I going to call Mikoshiba."

"Rin-senpai, please don't..."

"Why not?" Rin sighed lightly.

"I don't want people to know about this..." Nitori paused. "I didn't even want you to find out. I didn't want you or anyone else to think badly of me."

Rin's eyes drifted down, as he shut his phone and sat on the edge of the bed, carefully avoiding Nitori's feet.

"Okay... Ai, be honest with me... Were you trying to... Kill yourself?"

Nitori's eyes changed from panicked to sorrowful, obtaining an almost glossy quality. "I... I don't know... Not exactly."

"What do you mean?"

"I wasn't thinking. Even as I did it I was angry at myself. Maybe when it was happening... Maybe it crossed my mind that I would be better off if I did die..."

Rin felt his heart drop in his chest. Nitori actually felt that way? He hadn't ever noticed...

"Don't think that way." Rin blurted out, before going back to correct himself. "Just... Don't believe that you need to die. Please..." It was clear to anyone that Rin wasn't used to being in situations like this, and therefore wasn't so sure about the right words to say.

"Rin-senpai-" Nitori tried to speak, but Rin cut him off.

"We can talk later... For now we need to get your arm fixed." Rin set his hand on his cheek as he considered his options. "Ai, please let me call Mikoshiba... I won't tell him what you did, I'll just say you got injured."

Nitori scrunched his face up a bit, but nodded slowly. "Yeah, I guess..."

"Okay, stay still, don't move your arm."

Rin went through the process of calling the captain and retrieving a first aid kit from his room. When he returned, he was pleased to see that Nitori had kept his arm still as he had been asked.

"Okay, can you sit up? Are you able to?"

Nitori nodded slowly and pulled himself up, blinking a few times as he tried to rid himself of the headache he'd adopted.

Rin took a seat on the edge of the bed once again, sitting the same way as Nitori, instead of facing him directly.

Rin grabbed some gauze from the first aid kit, and as he picked up Nitori's arm, holding his straightened arm by the elbow, he began to wrap the gauze around his roommates forearm. He wrapped he gauze firmly, but he tried to be gentle.

Nitori's eyes were squeezed shut, and he was clearly in pain.

"Am I being too harsh?" Rin asked.

"N-no. It's okay."

Rin was doubtful, but he continued to wrap Nitori's arm. Rin secured the gauze in place, looking it over to make sure it had been wrapped correctly, with no bumps.

"Does that feel okay?" Rin asked skeptically.

Nitori nodded, smiling very gently. "Yes, thank you, Rin-senpai."

Rin simply mumbled lightly, forcing a small smile onto his face. He didn't feel like smiling for real... Not when he knew Nitori was bottling up so much emotional pain.

"You should get some rest, Aiichirou." Rin nodded solemnly.

"O-okay." Nitori began to pull himself up and out of the bottom bunk in order to move to his own.

"Woah, woah, woah, what are you doing?" Rin asked sternly.

"Moving to my bunk...?"

"No, you'll hurt your arm more if you move. Just stay in mine."

Nitori nodded slowly, laying his head back down. Rin walked over to his desk in order to start on his homework. Rin was happy to see that after a few minutes, Nitori had fallen into a peaceful sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Night had fallen across the room soon enough, and Nitori and Rin had both fallen asleep. Around ten, Rin had abandoned his studying and turned in, both emotionally and physically exhausted from the days events.

That peacefulness didn't last long for Rin, however, as he woke up around one a.m. with sweat covering his forehead. He let out a few short breaths, sharp and forced, trying to relax. He pulled himself up into a sitting position, brushing his hair away from his face with one hand.

He glanced around, remembering that he was in Nitori's bed...

Nitori...

Nitori!?

"Ai...? Aiichirou?" Rin mumbled, begging that the dream was not true.

He thought he heard a slight rustling sound, but he had to be sure.

He stretched out his body quickly and climbed down the ladder. He stood in front of Nitori and watched for a moment. He watched as he took breaths in, and he watched as he let breaths out. Rin let out a sigh of his own, so relieved that his horrible, sickening nightmare had not come true.

However, the images flashed in his mind. They were giving him a pounding headache, and he sunk to the floor, his knees wobbly as they hit the ground.

He sat back on his knees and stared at Nitori for a moment. He shook his head miserably and shoved his now teary face into his open hands.

"Senpai...?" Nitori's tired voice rang out, filling the otherwise silent room.

Rin looked up, his eyes wide, red irises pleading and scared.

"Hey, what's going on?" Nitori's voice was still sleepy, but worry was clear in his tone.

"Ai. Ai..." Rin muttered.

"Rin-senpai? Hey..." Nitori climbed out of the bed and sat on his knees in front of Rin. "What's happening with you?" Nitori addressed the distant and fearful look in Rin's eyes.

Rin's expression softened, as he reached for Nitori's damaged arm. He held Nitori's arm lightly in his open palm, letting it stay suspended at the level of his face.

"Rin-senpai-"

"Are you suffering?"

"Huh?"

"In the nightmare, you were suffering."

"A nightmare, huh? I see." Nitori mused. "No, Rin-senpai, I'm not suffering."

"Then why would you hurt yourself...?"

"Rin-senpai, I thought I told you, I messed up. I was upset over the things people had said, and I wasn't thinking straight."

"But, in the nightmare... You were suffering. Eventually you suffered so much... I couldn't do anything, and you slipped away."

"Senpai, I'm not going anywhere, okay?" Nitori whispered in his usual gentle and caring tone.

"Good... Good..." Rin's voice faded away, his hand letting go of Nitori's arm, as he collapsed, his body falling to the side, unconscious.

Nitori simply stared at him. He knew that Rin had been in a state of shock because of whatever nightmare he'd had, and that had caused his odd behavior. No matter what, he wasn't going to let Rin stay passed out on the floor all night.

Nitori slid his good arm underneath Rin's left armpit, trying to pull Rin up with him as he stood. Rin was heavier than expected, so Nitori's legs trembled and his arm protested as he tried to get Rin into an almost standing position. He tugged him upwards, but he suddenly felt Rin stiffen up. Rin had woken up, and had stood up straight on his own.

"Ai? Hey, woah, were you just trying to lift me?" Rin's voice wasn't angry, only stern, like a concerned and strict mother.

"Yes. You passed out on the floor. What's was I gonna do, leave you there all night?"

"With the way your arm is, yes, you should have."

"Senpai, you had a really bad nightmare, so you were in some sort of shock. You exhausted yourself, it wouldn't have been safe to leave you."

"I know about the nightmare! It was about you. You DIED, Aiichirou!" Rin's voice cracked as he mentioned his roommates death.

Nitori stepped back a bit, letting his arm fall away from Rin so that he could have some space.

"I'm only worried, Ai. What if you'd gotten hurt moving me? Then you'd be in even more pain, and it'd be my fault."

"It wouldn't be your fault. Besides, it wouldn't matter. _You_ actually need to worry about staying healthy and safe."

"Are you saying you don't need to worry about that stuff?" Rin challenged, managing to keep his voice level.

"Well, I mean, it's good to stay healthy, but it doesn't really affect anything if I'm not."

Rin clenched his fist, holding that arm close to his side as his knuckles jutted out. "It affects me!" Rin snapped.

Nitori's eyes lowered. He hadn't wanted to make Rin angry, or have him feel upset towards him. He didn't need pity for his beliefs, he simply stated them as he actually felt them.

"Ai, when I found you this afternoon, I was so freaked out. When I saw how bloody you were, I didn't know if you were alive. Of course I'd be scared no matter how it happened, but it scared me so much more to know that you'd done it to yourself."

"Rin-senpai, please understand, I never meant to freak you out. I'm sorry I scared you."

"Ai, you are the most selfless person I've ever met." Rin gave a hollow laugh. "You're apologizing for being hurt."

"Well I did it to myself. I should be sorry..."

"Stop, Ai. Don't apologize. Just... Promise me that you'll try and stay healthy from now on." It was clear that Rin was still tired, and still nervous over his nightmare.

"I'll try, Rin-senpai." Nitori promised quietly.

"Get some sleep, okay, Ai?"

"Got it. You too."

Nitori lay back in Rin's bed, and Rin climbed back up the ladder to his temporary spot in Nitori's bed. They were both even more exhausted now, sleep came easily.

* * *

The morning came quicker than either of the boys hoped. Rin would have been better with it, of he hadn't heard the sounds of coughing as his wake up call.

He scrambled down the ladder and looked around. Nitori was not in the bed, and he didn't seem to be in the main room at all. He saw a faint light filtering out from the small attached bathroom.

_'Oh no..._' Rin thought, his thoughts reaching what could be the worst of scenarios.

Rin pushed his way into the bathroom and stared helplessly at his roommate. Nitori was on his knees, arms pressed to the floor for support, face hovering over the toilet.

"Ai..." Rin sat on his knees next to Nitori, so close that they almost touched. He set a hand on Nitori's back and rubbed it gently.

"What happened, Ai?" Rin asked, as he continually rubbed his roommates back, hoping it would act as some sort of comfort.

"I just woke up this morning with a huge stomach a-" Nitori cut off, retching, throwing up into the toilet.

Rin cringed. Not because the sight was gross, but because it scared him half to death to see his usually happy and perky friend reduced to a messy lump on the floor, hovering over the toilet.

"Ah, Rin-senpai, I'll be fine, you shouldn't worry."

Rin was able to disprove the statement as soon as it was said, as he watched Nitori vomit more. He let out a few violent coughs, and one of his hands came up from the floor to wrap around his own stomach in pain.

"Nitori, you've probably thrown up everything you've eaten in the last two days. You are not fine."

Nitori pulled his head up to look at his elder. He looked truly miserable and full of pain, and it made Rin want to cry. Of course he wouldn't, he wanted to be there for Nitori, and crying wouldn't help with that.

"I'll be fine soon, then..." Nitori mumbled.

"Not if you disregard this the way you are." Rin insisted, as he moved his arm to drape around Nitori's shoulders, flushing the vomit down the toilet with the other hand. "Listen, I know you don't want anyone to know about the cuts, but it's starting to affect you in more ways than you know... Please let me get some help..."

"Senpai..." Nitori murmured helplessly. "People already think I'm a freak, if they found out about this, there'd be no end to the cruelty."

"We won't tell any students. We can to to the doctor, or a therapist... something..."

"Rin-senpai, I don't know... Even someone like a doctor will judge me for this..."

"No they won't, Ai. I promise." Rin said, scooting a bit closer to Nitori. "I'll find you a place where nobody will judge you... I'll do anything, I just want you to be okay..."

"Rin-senpai... I can't thank you enough."

"No need for thanks."

"There is every need for thanks! You've helped me _stay alive_ when I thought there was no reason to. If that's not worth thanks, then nothing is."

"...You're welcome, then..." Rin murmured. "So can I please get you help?"

Nitori stared down at his now hollow stomach, and then up into Rin's pleading eyes.

"Okay, I'll get help..."


	3. Chapter 3

.A massive brick building loomed over Rin and Nitori. It was the therapy section of the local hospital, and the location of Nitori's first appointment, the one that Rin had booked in order to help Nitori feel better... To make sure he could get help, so neither of them would feel the way they had been the week before.

"Rin-senpai, I'm not so sure about this..." Nitori muttered softly, his voice breaking nervously.

"I am, Ai." Rin motioned for Nitori to look him in the eyes. "I promise, this'll be fine, they're going to help you... I don't want you in pain again, okay?

Nitori nodded and swallowed a pesky lump in his throat. He and Rin walked side by side into the waiting room of the building.

Rin signed Nitori in, and they waited at least twenty minutes in the waiting room. Minutes that were agonizing and filled with fear to Nitori.

"Aiichirou Nitori?" A gentle female voice called from a doorway. Nitori looked up helplessly at Rin, who simply gave him a reassuring look as they stood together.

As Nitori fell into place behind the woman, and Rin began to follow the two to the room, a hand was held out in front of him.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we need to let the patient come in alone."

Rin tensed. He saw the crushed and terrified look on Nitori's face, and he knew he couldn't stay behind.

"Ma'am, please. This is my best friend, I can't leave him alone." Rin was trying to keep his composure, for Nitori's sake.

"Sir, it may sway the patients answers to questions, or cause them to act differently. I can't allow you to come back here..."

Rin bit his lip, it was clear that he didn't have a solution that didn't involve snapping a quick response and snarling out an argument.

"Ma'am... Please let Rin-senpai stay. He's the one who convinced me to come here, I need him with me." Nitori's voice was timid, but he was obviously trying to hold his ground.

The woman looked at Nitori for a moment, and then looked at Rin with a sigh. "Very well... Come on back."

Rin smiled, giving a thumbs up to Nitori, who looked truly relived.

They found themselves in a small room, filled with cabinets that were plastered with posters, decorated with potted plants, and painted a pastel blue. Overall, the room had a friendly environment.

Nitori and Rin were asked to sit side by side in two chairs on one side of a desk. The woman, who's name turned out to be , sat on the opposite side, gripping some papers in her hands.

There were some basic questions first, where asked Nitori's age, weight, height, and other bits of personal information. Rin didn't see how it was relevant to helping Nitori with his depression, but he never questioned the doctor.

Then she got into the tougher questions. What were you feeling when you cut yourself? Nitori's answer was simply "Too much to describe... That's why I did it."

More questions followed. Why did you feel so angry and upset? What happened? Were you trying to cut for release, or with the goal of suicide?

With each answer Nitori gave, as he went into detail about harsh bullies and cruel threats, Rin's heart constricted more and more. It would have hurt him immensely to see any of his friends hurting the way Nitori clearly was, but there was something about how fragile Nitori could be that made Rin hurt more than usual.

The appointment lasted an hour. A long, painful, nervous hour, but an hour nonetheless.

Rin led Nitori gently to the train station, being cautious, since Nitori was probably on edge.

When they got back to the room, both of them were relieved. They were both exhausted, Rin being tired from worry, and Nitori from all of the memories and emotions he had to spill.

Nitori slowly climbed up into his bed, which he had only begun sleeping in again a day before.

"Hey, are you feeling okay? How do you think it went? Do you think it will help...?" Rin hated to bombard Nitori with more questions, but he was worried, and silence wouldn't help him.

"I'm feeling fine..." Nitori murmured sleepily. "I think it went okay... It was pretty nerve wracking though." Nitori sighed lightly. "I can only hope that it will help..."

"I see... Do you need anything?"

"No, I'm okay. Thank you, senpai."

"... No problem, Ai."

* * *

Weeks went by. Nitori went to weekly appointments, Rin never leaving his side during them. To Rin's dismay, however, Nitori didn't seem to be getting better. Rin noticed swimming was clearly becoming more difficult for his roommate. Rin had expected Nitori to be a least a bit happy to swim again once he returned to practices two weeks after that day, but it was obvious that his heart wasn't really into it. The last few days had scared him the most, as he watched Nitori's eating and sleeping habits go downhill.

He decided he had to take Nitori to the doctor. The eating and sleeping problems needed to be taken up with a doctor directly instead of a therapist.

So when Rin arrived to the room and saw Nitori curled up on his bed, he gently climbed the ladder so he was closer. Rin set a hand on Nitori's exposed shoulder and shook it very lightly, as if he were a fragile piece of glass. "Ai... Ai wake up."

Nitori stirred, blinking his eyes wearily and staring up at Rin. "Oh... Hey." Nitori yawned. "What's up?"

"We need to go to the doctor, Ai." Rin was blunt, as always.

"Huh? I went to therapy yesterday..."

"I don't mean therapy, Aiichirou, I mean a doctor. You haven't been eating nearly enough, and can tell you've been up at night. This is serious..."

"Rin-senpai... I promise I'm fine." Nitori titled his head and forced a smile onto his face as if he were proving a point.

"You are so not fine..." Rin murmured so huskily that Nitori could barely hear him. "You're just saying you are so I don't bring it up anymore..." Rin looked directly into Nitori's widened turquoise eyes. "Please, Ai... This is scaring me... This is dangerous for you, and it's scaring me to half to death." There was a certain sharp undertone to Rin's whisper.

Nitori paused, but eventually sighed. "Okay, I'll go to a doctor... But can we please go in the morning...?"

"Ai, I don't know if we should wait... This can't go unchecked."

"Senpai, please, I don't want to go now... I promise I'll go first thing tomorrow, but right now..." Nitori was seemingly quite adamant on the topic of waiting.

Rin sighed. "Okay... Fine. But listen, Ai, if you start to feel the slightest bit worse, _tell me_"

"Got it, senpai." Nitori gave a tiny smile that was genuine, unlike the first.

Rin climbed back down the ladder and prepared to go to sleep.

Oh, how he wished he would have taken Nitori that night.

* * *

AN: Sorry if this chapter is a bit uneventful (minus the little cliffhanger, *laughs evilly*), but I'll be uploading the 4th chapter directly after I release this one (so unless something goes wrong, the 4th will be uploaded by the time you are reading this.)

I also want to thank the people that are following this story! I have 16 followers on this, and that may not seem like a lot to some people, but I never really thought this story would do well, so thank you so much! :D


	4. Chapter 4

Rin woke with a start. He woke once again to the sound of dry coughing and retching.

_'Dear god... No...'_ Rin's mind was a frenzy or unhappy and terrified thoughts.

He returned to the scene of Nitori hovering over the toilet, but this time it seemed much, much worse. Nitori's shirt had hiked up, so Rin could see clearly for the first time how boney he had become. His face was thin and pasty, his eyes watering from all of the coughing and vomiting.

"Ai!" Rin stumbled into the bathroom and collapsed on his knees next to his friend. "Aiichirou, look at me, for just a moment."

Nitori tore his eyes away from the toilet. He stared at Rin with sunken eyes, trying to force a smile on to his face.

Rin saw right through him, though. "Stop trying to smile. It's clearly painful to try, so don't..." Rin's voice was shallow. "Come on we need to get to the hospital."

"No, Rin-senpai. It's over." Nitori muttered, with no fear in his voice.

"What? What kind of crap is that, Ai?"

"It's over, senpai. It's time for me to die."

"No! Ai, no. It's not." Rin whispered frantically, knowing that Nitori's depression had hit a dangerous peak.

"Yes, it is. I'm done here, I can't find any more purpose."

Rin set a hand on the back on Nitori's neck, cringing as he noticed that his skin was tight against bone. "Listen to me, Ai. I know you don't truly believe life is over for you. It may seem like it right this second, but in the long run, you should know that there are things to do still. It's not over."

Nitori's eyes stayed in their helpless, lost state. Rin thought he had truly lost him, judging by how vacant his face appeared.

They held the stare for much longer than either one seemed to expect. Rin's gaze was tight, full of both hope that Nitori would listen, and helplessness at the fact that he may not. Nitori held eyes wide open that seemed expressionless to the naked eye, but were swirling with emotions of pain and anguish.

In the end, Nitori broke down.

He sobbed. He sobbed so hard, the noises of pain becoming harder and harder to listen to. He had collapsed against Rin, head pressed against Rin's chest, his arms shaking as he gripped his tiny, empty stomach.

It was the first time he had cried since the day that he cut himself. He had not once shed a tear, only breaking inside, which may have been his downfall. It was certainly the reason he had snapped today.

Rin wanted so badly to stand up and throw up himself, the sight of Nitori sobbing and breaking was heart wrenching to watch. But of course he didn't, he simply stayed where he was, letting Nitori sob into his chest.

"R-Rin-S-s-senpai?" Nitori's voice was strained and interrupted by harsh hiccups.

"Yes, Ai?" Rin responded gently.

"I'm so sorry about all of this."

"Huh?!" Rin stammered. "What are you sorry for, Aiichirou?"

"Getting you involved in this!" Nitori's voice grew a bit frantic. "One of the reasons I was so upset was because you were doing so much for me, and I didn't deserve it."

Rin's eyes widened. Some of the pain he saw inscribed in Nitori's face was... Because of him?

So Rin cried too. Not very hard, but silent tears were clear as they streamed down his face. He repositioned himself a bit, grabbed both of Nitori's hands in between his own and held them to the space on his chest where Nitori's head had been.

"Why would you say you didn't deserve me or my help...?"

"Because, you have so many things to look forward to. You have a happy life, with friends and a family. All people do is hate me."

"I don't hate you." Rin responded immediately.

"Maybe you should."

"Why?" Rin prompted.

"Because, all I ever do is cause trouble."

"No, you don't."

"I don't have things to look forward to." Nitori repeated.

"You do, you just haven't found them yet. I felt the same way when I was in Australia. I saw no hope for a happy future. But when I came here, I found a whole bunch of things. I was able to reconnect with my old friends, and my sister... And I met you. I met a person who gave constant happiness and encouragement to someone like me, someone who didn't deserve it."

"What about all of the kids in school? They all say I should die, that I should leave them alone."

"They're wrong. So very wrong. They just haven't gotten to know you, so they don't know how awesome you are."

"I wouldn't say I'm awesome." Nitori said dryly.

"Well I would, take my word on it." Rin tried to smile gently through the drying tears.

Nitori's sobs were almost beginning to subside, but it was clear that the problem was far from over. Even if Rin managed to spark some hope in the nearly hopeless boy, there was no way he could cure his depression and suffering entirely.

"Hey, Ai, can you stand?"

"I-I-I don't... I don't know. I'll try." Nitori slowly pulled himself away from Rin and attempted to stand of frail legs. They trembled profusely, even as he used Rin's shoulders as means of balance.

They gave out, however. He collapsed in one swift movement, curling in on himself as he hit the ground. His head was curled in towards his knees, which were folded underneath him.

"Hey, Ai, pull up your head..." Rin asked gently, though he was a bit panicky on the inside.

Nitori shook his head, keeping his body in the reclusive state.

"Ai. Please... Listen to me, please, I need to help you. I'll carry you, but you need to try to sit up.

Nitori pulled his head up very slowly, his eyes glossy.

"There you go..." Rin sighed lightly. "I'm going to pick you up, okay?"

Nitori just nodded slowly.

Rin scooped Nitori up, pulling him up and getting him into a standing position. Rin collected Nitori's frail body into his arms, holding him bridal style. He noticed how much Nitori's body was shaking as he held him, as tears began to stream down the younger boys face once again.

Rin kept Nitori close against his body, in a futile attempt to keep the tremors to a minimum.

He noticed as he exited the room that Nitori had passed out, yet he still shook.

Rin knocked on Captain Mikoshiba's door, using his foot to tap it heavily. When he opened it, shock was written across his face.

"What happened to him?!"

"Depression... He hasn't been eating or sleeping right because of it and it caught up to him." Rin was visibly panicky. "You have a car, right? I need you to drive us to the hospital... We can't wait for a train... Please, captain..."

"Of course, let's hurry." Mikoshiba's face was grim.

They arrived in the ER and Rin quickly explained the events of the morning to a doctor. The doctor assured Rin and Mikoshiba that they would do their best to return Nitori to a stable condition, and then work on fixing his depression.

Rin simply nodded and took a seat in a chair to wait, watching with a pained expression as they wheeled a still unconscious Nitori on a stretcher down a hallway.

* * *

"What did they say?" Rin asked quietly, barely lifting his head away from the floor to look at captain Mikoshiba as he took a seat next to him.

"He's still unconscious, but he's stopped shaking, and he's almost completely stable."

"That's better... Did they say anything about helping with his depression?"

"They said that once he is completely stable and he gets some much needed rest, they'll have better chances with helping ease his depression."

"That's good." Rin was almost content. Of course, he still worried about Nitori, but any possibilities of his recovery were a relief.

Rin glanced at his watch. Ten pm. They had been at the hospital for over twelve hours...

Rin nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt a hand on his left shoulder. It wasn't Mikoshiba, who was to his right... He glanced up, only to find a familiar green eyed face staring down at him.

"Hey, Rin."

"Hi, Makoto. What are you doing here so late?"

"Well, when Seijirou texted me explaining why we couldn't have the joint practice, I got worried. I wanted to come earlier, but I had to babysit my siblings." Makoto's eyes softened in the way they usually did. "Is Nitori-kun doing any better?"

"According to Mikoshiba they said he's close to being in a stable condition."

"That's good, at least. It will be easier to speak to him and help him then, right?"

"It should be... I'm just hoping he's not beyond repair."

"I'm sure if you're there for him at all times it will help." Makoto always looked for silver linings in any situation.

"I hope..." Rin was trying his best to have Makoto's optimism.

Makoto took a seat next to Rin as a form of silent comfort. It was only a few minutes later, however, that a nurse came into the waiting room and stopped in front of the three boys.

"Matsuoka-San?"

Rin looked up and nodded half heartedly.

"Visiting hours are over... But your friend Aiichirou Nitori has been confirmed to be in a stable condition, and he's been asking to see you."

"Alright, what room is he in?"

The nurse led him to Nitori's room. Rin was relieved that Nitori was relaxed enough now, but a part of him still worried about the future.

The nurse slid open the door and let Rin inside, shutting the door behind her and walking away with clicking high heels.

"Hey, Ai." Rin said casually.

"Hello, Rin-senpai." Nitori's response was cooly spoken, but a sleepy tone hung in it. Rin noticed that an IV was stuck in his arm that contained sleeping medication.

"How are you feeling?"

"Better than this morning..." Nitori spoke sheepishly. "I'm feeling less sick to my stomach, and my headache is all gone."

"That's good. I'm glad the pain is mainly over..." Rin was truly terrible at speaking in situations such as this one.

"Oh, and senpai, thank you..." Nitori's voice was fading, it was clear he was going to go back to sleep.

Nitori's eyes fluttered shut, and something that almost resembled a content smile appeared on his now sleeping face. Rin sighed and was able to give a light smile as well. As long as he didn't have to see Nitori in the state that he'd been in that morning, he would at least feel a bit better.

Rin plopped down in a chair against the wall that faced Nitori's bedside. He pulled his hair away from his face with a sweep of his hand as he leaned his head against the wall. He was beyond tired, and even though he knew it would be much better if he went back to the dorm to sleep, he didn't think he'd be able to sleep in the room that was unnecessarily empty.

So he fell asleep in the chair, nightmares very prevalent throughout the night.


	5. Chapter 5

_Rin entered the room in the same way as always, worn out and ready to relax. However, when he walked in that time, he smelled the strong smell of something metallic... Blood._

_Rin glanced around, when he saw something out of the corner of his eye. He saw something sticking out from the space between his desk and Nitori's desk. _

_Rin's eyes widened. It wasn't something... It was someone. Someone's hand, flopped on the wooden floor. _

_Rin raced over to the space, standing a foot away from it. _

_He dropped to the floor. His hands fell in his lap, trembling uncontrollably._

_Nitori was slumped up against his desk, head lolling to the side, hands and arms drooping. His arms were caked with blood, which had splattered on parts of his clothing. _

_"Ai!" Rin's voice was cracked and faded. Rin crawled closer to Nitori, pulling him up onto his lap, head being held by Rin's large spread out hand. _

_"Ai, hey...! AI!" Rin's eyes were filling with tears. He reached for one of Nitori's wrists to check for a pulse, but it was hard to tell if one existed because of all of the cuts that adorned his arms._

_"Ai, Ai, you have to wake up! Please, Ai, whatever happened to you, you need to wake up!" Rin placed one of Nitori's hands on top of his own. It was cold and still, limp as it draped over Rin's. _

_Rin was too shocked to move. He only stayed there with Nitori in his arms, as soft sobs racked his body. He tried to get up from the floor, but he couldn't move. He was stuck there, unable to get any help._

_He stared at Nitori's face, which was once so bright and excited. _

_Rin felt something moving on his hand. With wide eyes, he moved his gaze to his spread open palm. He saw Nitori's small fingers slowly curling. Nitori's fingers wrapped around Rin's hand, latching on to him._

_"-Ai!"_

_Rin looked back to Nitori's face, which was no longer still. Nitori's eyes had opened just the slightest bit, only enough for Rin to see a tiny bit of turquoise. Rin stared at Nitori with a tear stained face, watching as Nitori showed some sign of consciousness._

_"Ai...!"_

_Rin watched with silent pain as Nitori's lips curled into a gentle smile._

_"Ai, are you-"_

_He felt Nitori go fully limp._

_He was dead._

_"Aiichirou..." Rin's voice was a whisper as he cried. He scooped Nitori closer to him, his arm holding him up as he rested his head against the head of his roommate._

_He heard a voice._

_"Thank you, Rin-senpai."_

_Rin looks down. The voice was not coming from Nitori's lips, yet it was clearly his voice. _

_Rin frantically looked around the room, looking for the source of the gentle voice. "Ai! Where are you?"_

_Nobody answered, but Rin heard a booming echo ring throughout the too. Rin's eyes went even wider than before, his eyes flickering around the room. The room began to take on a dark red hue, and out of the corner of his eye Rin saw something splatter on the wall...More blood... _

_Rin shook his head to himself, tears streaming down his face. _

_Rin's eyes shut tightly, as the echoing rumble grew louder and louder. 'Stop... Stop, please...'_

_Rin dared to open his eyes, and when he did, Nitori was gone. Rin was no longer clutching his body. Rin was completely alone. He wasn't even in the dorm anymore. He was in a field of black. It was an empty area, with nothing in it. Rin stood up on shaky legs and glanced around. _

_Nitori was gone. Rin could never see him again..._

* * *

Rin eyes snapped open. His breathing was sharp and pained, as he looked around to see where he was. A hospital room...

Where was Nitori? That had been a nightmare, Nitori was alive... He had to be. He absolutely had to be alive.

Rin shut his eyes again and leaned his chin on his hands, elbows resting on his knees. Rin knew that his nightmare was initially not far from reality. If Rin had showed up any later, Nitori could have been dying or long dead. Rin would have to have gone to a funeral for one of his best friends. He couldn't bear the thought of that. The thought of watching his friend and roommate being lowered into a dirty hole in the ground.

"Rin-senpai?"

Rin looked up. Nitori stood in front of him, no longer in the bed, as Rin suddenly remembered he had been.

"Ai...?" Rin murmured. Rin reached out and grabbed one of Nitori's hands and held it up a bit, to assure that he was real. Nitori didn't resist, he let Rin hold on, watching with a curious expression as Rin's fingers ran over the skin on his hand.

Rin stood up, towering over Nitori as usual. Before Nitori could ask what he was doing, Rin's arms were wrapping around his frail frame. Rin's face fell on to Nitori's head, as he hugged him close, being gentle enough to not hurt him.

"Senpai? Is something wrong?"

"I thought I lost you. I thought I freaking lost you, Ai..."

"Hmm? What do you mean?"

"I had a nightmare... You died... I came back to the room too late-" Rin noticed a few tears forming in his eyes. "It was like the one I had the night after... But it was so much worse..."

"Oh... I'm sorry... But, Rin-senpai, I'm right here, you don't need to worry." Nitori's voice was gentle, and as Rin heard it, he wondered how Nitori managed to stay so calm.

Rin pulled away from the hug and stepped back. "Why are you up at this hour? Shouldn't you be resting?"

"I woke up and then couldn't go back to sleep, so I decided to walk around the room for a while."

Rin nodded and hummed quietly. "Are you feeling better? Physically, at least?"

"Yeah, I am actually. I'll need to get some muscle back pretty soon, but I'm feeling better otherwise..."

"That's good... You should get as much sleep as possible. Is there anything I can to do help you fall asleep?"

Nitori looked at his feet. "If you wouldn't mind moving there chair closer...? I sleep better when there's another person nearby..."

Rin nodded and scooted the chair closer, taking a seat. Nitori crawled back into the bed and curled up. Rin looked at him for a moment, still finding his bony appearance saddening.

"Sleep well, Aiichirou."

"Thank you, Rin-senpai."

The words rang in Rin's mind, and as he watched Nitori's eyes shut, silent tears streamed down his face.

* * *

AN: ((Oh god it pains me to write this story at times))

Well... chapter 5, eh? I'm sorry if this is becoming a bit repetitive...? I'm attempting to make it believable, because depression isn't something you can just recover from instantly... so, I'm sorry if this is going slowly, but I'm trying to keep the pacing correct!

Also, if you are a jeanmarco fan, I have a small multi part fanfic coming soon! I have the prologue written, but I want to finish part 1 before posting it, and it won't take me very long. So look for that pretty soon!

I think that's it! As always, thanks for reading, this story has 21 followers (last time I checked) and I thank each and every one of you! :D

Feel free to review/favorite! Those make my day! 3


	6. Seeing Red Notice

Some one has recently left a review on this story, and I wanted to address their concerns. It was a guest review, so I couldn't reply to them directly, but I wanted to make note of it anyway.

They made three points, and I want to address them all.

1) They made the point that there is no 911 in Japan. They were actually right about that, that was my mistake. I apologize for that.

2) They said my portrayal of self harm is wrong. While I have not gone through depression in the same way as Nitori does in this story, or to the same extent, I have experienced it to some degree, and I have friends who have gone through self harm and other similar issues. Besides this, I have also done as much research as I could in order to preserve the accuracy of the symptoms portrayed in this story. Everything I have had in this story has been researched, such as the symptoms that Nitori has shown, and the other effects on his body. I know that everyone's depression is different, and I have tried to show that, but if I have failed to do so in some way, I'm sorry.

3) They said I am romanticizing self harm. I don't think that the statement is true at all. This story is not meant to be a romance story, hence why it is not listed under the romance category. This story is meant to be a mix between showing the friendship between Rin and Nitori, and a way to get the word out and show people the effects of self harm. I know self harm is a terrible, terrible thing, and I would never purposely romanticize this story, especially if it meant offending the people who go through depression or have self harmed. I don't intend on making Rin and Nitori a couple in this story, and I have stated that they think of each other as friends throughout the story, so I find this persons claim about me romanticizing this story unfair.

I'm sorry to have such a long spiel posted here, but I wanted to address the concerns of this person. I never wanted this story to offend anyone, in fact I wanted quite the opposite. So, in short, I am truly sorry if this story has offended anyone, and if it has, *please, please* message me, and I will change anything that makes this story offensive.

To the people that have and do support me on this and this story in general, I thank you.

And if I have offended you in any way, I am very, very sorry.


End file.
